You know what? I made our son very different than others, very much contrasting to common boys in the attitude, temperament and perception. I brought him up as a person who is wholly unlike normal people.
Since the beginning of his school life, inside his tender mind, I injected the idea that he must secure first position in every exam. I just emphasized him to be perfect at study. I used to scold him by saying being second or third means he was a useless fellow and a loser. I always wanted him to top the school, and so he did. Although he used to top the school in every final exam, he used to be at second or third positions very often in terminal exams. After seeing those results, he would be restless. Sometimes, he would cry and pray to God to make him first in exams again. My fault in this regard was my irresponsibility of not teaching him about the reality of life. I never said, “Son, life is all about ups and downs, success and failure. It’s not the case that you may get success in your every endeavor. You can’t be surpassing others every time in every case. Failure is a part of life. Not only in studies, but in every race of your life, you might be second or third. But without being anxious, you have to move on, you must move on.”
Today early in the morning, he came to me and said, “Papa, you know, when I was at Grade 6, I had become third in the second terminal exam. And that day, I was completely cursing myself. That night, I had even slapped myself constantly talking with the poster of Goddess Saraswati pasted on the wall of my room.”
You know, Shaarda! I didn’t let my son to hang out with his pals. I never let him play outdoor games like soccer, basketball, cricket, etc. I confined his world inside our house only. I just enforced him to read books, study, study and study. Thus, he never got any chance to observe the outside world. Our son became like a frog in a well. I made him introvert. Not only when he was at school but also during his +2 life, he never went for excursions from college. He used to think that going tours wastes his time that could have been spent studying. He wanted to devote every second to books. He loathed guests coming to our house. “Papa, why do you invite guests? Please, don’t ask them to visit us. They bring small rowdy children who always disturb me, and I can’t study because of them.” And instead of telling him that he should have talks with the guests; know who they are; know what they do, I used to send him to neighbor’s house during guest-visits.
Today, with tears rolling down his cheeks, he said, “Papa, you made me an introvert. You taught me that the book is life, but papa, now, I have come to know that I wasted my whole school and college life. I have no sweet memories, others had fun. They enjoyed, studied. But I…, father… I just studied. Now, I hate myself, and that’s because of you.”
You know, Shaarda! I made him totally unaware about love and sex. When he was 9 years old, he had seen an ad of condom in television where Dhurmus had pronounced the word “condom” frequently. He came to me and asked, “What is condom, papa?” I asked with surprise, “Who said about it?” He replied, “I heard about in the television.” Then I said, “Nothing, beta. It’s the name of vegetable like cucumber, carrot, etc. You don’t need to know about it. Go, it’s time for Power Rangers. I never bought him a smartphone since I thought he would get to know about sex through Internet. I didn’t want him to get even a single hint about sex. Since he talked less and was among the most virtuous pupils, probably none of his friends ever talked to him about sex-related stuffs and so sex was absolutely a dark secret for him. But when he was at Grade 11, one day he heard his friends chat about ‘masturbation’ in Chemistry lab at college. Since he had heard about it for the first time, he asked about it to his companions. But his friends ridiculed him and made him feel ashamed that he didn’t know about that common thing. This incident filled him with self-disgust.
This morning also he had talked about this matter to me. He had said, “Papa, there’s nothing called true love. Love means sex and sex means love. When I revealed my crush to my bench partner, he gave me a nasty look and asked, “Which part of her body do you adore the most? Does erection happen when you see her buttocks and her chest?” I was stunned. I always used to think that love is love but father, love is all about sex. I underwent through depression because of this, papa.”
I always told him to become honest. One day, after he came from hiking, he shared how his friends cheated him by making a fake plan of hiking and drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes at Shivapuri. And I shared this to his cousins later when they came to visit us in his absence.
He also talked about this matter this morning saying, “Papa, my cousin mocked me saying it was babyish to share those things to you. He told that I should have drunk alcohol. What is this, papa? Why do I always get mocked doing good deeds? You know, papa, this world is full of people with bad motives and greediness. People are waiting for opportunities to cheat you and misuse your innocence. But because of your upbringing, I never thought bad of anyone. I always imparted love and behaved kindly with everyone. But what did I get in return? Betrayal, Humiliation, Emotional pain and Depression. Papa, no one, all of our kith and kin are opportunists and egocentric.”
Our son’s last words were: Papa, I don’t know why you made me like I am now. I loathe myself and that’s because of you. I detest myself for being good. I can’t live in this world with innumerable doubts and questions hammering my mind. I have neither HOPE nor FAITH. Bye, papa.
I can feel how much confidence he had built upon to talk to me about those concealed matters. I regret being a father. I CONFESS that I didn’t turn out to be a good father. His upbringing was faulty. If you had been alive, you would have raised him better. Why did you leave this world so early? Why, Shaarda? Why? There’s only one way to wash away this unforgivable sin. I am sorry, dear. I am sorry, my son. Turning opposite to the garlanded photos of his son and his wife, Shaarda, he then drank something from a small bottle.
The next day, on page 2 of the Himalayan Times, a news was published with headline:
FATHER DRINKS POISON 16 HOURS AFTER SON JUMPS FROM THREE STOREYED HOUSE
Question answer with Shishir
1. Tell us more about you.
I have just finished my +2 from St. Xavier’s College, Maitighar. I currently dwell at Samakhusi. I am actually from Kapilvastu.
2. What was your thought when you apply to Wordism competition?
I am a regular participator. I just pray that my article wins the heart of the readers and my idea gets appreciated.
3. What are your dreams and aspiration?
My dream is to live a good prosperous life. I just want to live a happy life with my godly parents, get a caring life partner and play with my children.
4. How do you feel being the Wordism Runner Up of Baisakh?
Well, pretty sad. You know, this is the fourth time I have grabbed the runner up position. I am craving for the position of winner.
5. Anything you want to say about who is reading this!
Reading is obviously a tiring task. But you know, you know other’s ideas, thoughts, attitudes and know what they feel about a particular subject.
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